I have spent the majority of my life in church. I knew God, and I thought I loved Him, but looking back over my life and relationship with God, there was no discernible fruit. I was depressed, tired, and lonely. Truth be told, I was angry at God. I had a failed marriage, raised two sons alone, looked for love in all the wrong places, and I was in (emotional) shambles. I felt like God had forsaken me. He didn’t make good on his promises, but continued to give me rules on what NOT to do, and I was done. Can you relate?
In October 2020, I made a life decision that would change the trajectory of my life. I decided to move in with my out-of-state boyfriend without consulting God, because I knew he would say no, and I was tired of hearing that. In January 2021, I relocated from Oklahoma to Texas to begin a new chapter in my life. Everything regarding the move went smoothly. Although my spirit knew that I was making a bad decision, fear said, “If you don’t take this deal, you don’t know when the opportunity will come again.” I weighed my fear of never having someone against the authenticity of God keeping his word/promise to me.
Ultimately, FEAR outweighed God’s authenticity to keep his word/promises to me, and because the man “kept his word to me,” I chose to move in with him. It wasn’t long into the new living arrangement that I realized that I had made a huge mistake, but even in my rebellion, God was with me. He let me know that He allowed it because He knew that I would learn the lesson this time. There was a lingering question in my soul, “Why do I keep ending up HERE?” It was in this season of life that I experienced the grace of God. He didn’t remove His spirit or His voice from me; instead, He pursued me harder.
On April 14, 2022, my life changed forever. I left work early that day and felt like God had something to tell me, so I went to my prayer park. While reading, I felt His presence in the passenger seat of my car. As I type, I am instantly transported back to that moment, and tears fill my eyes; His presence is here! God began talking about relationships and shared His desire for one with me. During our time together, He answered the question of why I always landed HERE. God said, “Every child is different, and with you, all you wanted was to be heard, to understand, and be understood. This is why you would rebel even with me, because you saw me as a taskmaster. In your heart, you feared me. Not the reverential fear, you were afraid of me.”
1 John 4:18 (TPT) says, “Love never brings fear, for fear is always related to punishment. But love’s perfection drives the fear of punishment far from our hearts. Whoever walks constantly afraid of punishment has not reached love’s perfection.” Abba redirected my focus from performance (following the rules) to relationship. Spending time with Him in prayer or journaling, reading His word, and listening to praise and worship music forced out the fear of Him and embedded a covenant of love within, where it causes me not to want to rebel. This doesn’t mean that I get it right all the time; what it does mean is I stay in communion with Abba no matter what’s going on. Like the prodigal son, I came to myself and went back to not only my (Heavenly) Father, but Abba sent me back home to my (earthly) Father.
On May 12, 2022, I began a journey of healing, and in this journey, my relationship with Abba has not only grown, but is thriving! It is my desire to help you in your journey back home. I will share the pearls of wisdom I’ve learned along the way and relay Abba’s heart for His daughters.
Maybe you find yourself in this place of rebellion, trying to keep all the rules, only to find that the driving force is that you’re afraid of God, or maybe you have the same lingering question I had: “Why do I keep ending up HERE?” However you landed on this blog, know that you are not here by accident. The same desire for a relationship that God (whom I affectionately call Abba) extended to me, He’s extending to you. Revelation 3:20 (TPT) says, “Behold, I’m standing at the door, knocking. If your heart is open to hear my voice and you open the door within, I will come in to you and feast with you, and you feast with me.”
A relationship is what He longs for with you. Your heart has been aching for something real, your mind has been flooded with questions, and your soul has been thirsty. Abba has everything you need and more. He sees you daughter. El Roi, the God who sees you, wants to build a life with you. He promises that you will never lose by choosing Him. You’re tired on a soul level, I know, because I’ve been there, too. Abba has come to give you rest, daughter. There is no pressure, only an invitation to allow Him to heal your wounds, give you that much-needed stillness, answer those long-standing questions, and restore your relationship with Him as Abba’s Daughter.
He loves you, and so do I.
Abba’a Daughter
Abba's Daughters 